Thursday, February 5, 2015

Borborygmus of a one-day dieter


If there is a stupid idea that a foodie tries on a long-awaited vacation: it’s dieting. That too, a 7-day diet plan for the one week holiday; but it didn’t seem that silly when it was embarked on.

 It started with the glorious promises: loss of 5-8 kilos (Yay!...whoa...YESSSSSS!) Not bad, huh? That too the thought of losing the flabby lower belly (now think of any bollywood, Hollywood actresses with flat abs close up), slight thinning down of the thighs (Yeah...the skinny, spider long legs now). And, on a glance, it was not a shut-your-mouth-and-sit-tight kind of a plan. Day 1: Fruits. Day 2: Vegetables. And then it’s Fruit+Vegetable,milk+banana, rice+vegetables.... and this was the bottom line: eat howmuchever you want (even 20 times a day) but nothing that is not recommended in the plan.And lots of water. Hmmm...And I was particularly fascinated by one line that the site said: We are one a mission, there is no backing up! Ooooh! Yeah! Game face on!

So fruits, huh? Mom and I walked briskly in the morning fog to the farmer’s market and I was pepped up like a three-year old. Mom only knew hints about my crazy plans when she shrieked,“Hey! Mushrooms? You wanna buy some?” She didn’t wait for a reply and went towards the shop. I had to run and pull her aside, “Maa...Not this week. I’m on a diet plan.”

“So what?” she gave me an interrogating look and said,”oh! You wouldn’t eat?!”

“Yeah! That’s how it works, mom.No eating” We went in the other direction of the inviting mushrooms. But there were a lot of ‘other directions’ we had to take: cow’s first milk, spring onions, potatoes, cauliflower (okay! I let her buy that having in mind that soup on day 3). So I had to basically rule every vegetable I love on earth and buy 1 kilo of healthy fruits for 120 bucks and head back home. Tip #1: never go to a market when you are on diet plans. It hits on to you how much food you are gonna miss that day. Buy everything before, stack up and keep yourself shut inside your house. On the way back, mom asked, “So...we’ll make cauliflower gravy for roti tonight?” when I stared, she dropped her face down and said,“Never mind...I’ll sauté it for lunch”. Tip #2: Push off people, who forget you are on a diet plan, from a cliff. 

The walk had made me a bit hungry when we reached home. Hmmm...what should I try first? There were apples,pomegranates and oranges in a polythene bag, looking like a hill. I could pull this off, right? Imagine all that inside my tummy. I can do this. I took an apple and started munching it in front of a TV. On normal days, I can only eat half an apple at a time and today was no different. It’s just a normal day. I kept telling it myself and not even before the programme ended on TV, I felt a little hungry. With two glasses of water being gulped down, I said to myself. I can do this. It was only 3 hours into dieting, but it seemed terribly longer than that. All through the long three hours, I kept munching because I was hungry every 15 minutes and I had to pee a countless number of times because of all the water.

Movies? What about movies! That could keep me occupied. Before I could watch four movies, that day would have ended! I was gravely wrong. With a stomach that had to depend only on fruits,even the most appealing animated movies seemed as noises. And it was a wrong pick among the million movies on earth: Cloudy with a chance of meatballs part2. Oooops!

Okay...do something else. I went into the kitchen and started helping mom, when she asked, “What do you want for breakfast?” 

“Mommm...I’m not gonna eat anything that you cook!”

“Huh...today?” she asked.

“This whole week” I grumbled.

This isn’t how my usual holidays will be. Even before I come home, my mom would schedule a list of all exotic sweets and dishes for my holidays and I would behave like a glutton. Tip #3: Do not think of dieting when you have an appetising cook as your mom.

Coming back to the question, I said, “Do something that I don’t like” We agreed on something that I hate and Isauted the onions and garlic. Well, I had a little self control. I was still strong against the wafting flavours.
“That Dalda no...we have been having it for a month now. We’ll try badusha...I’ve never tried doing it even once.”

“Maa...” I stared.
“What! You won’t eat anything?” 

“That dalda has been in there fora month now and one more week won’t make any difference. Why won’t you stop talking about food, Mom?” Well, she was not to blame. She is used to the fact of filling my tummy to the full but now the rumbling in my stomach was audible enough for her to hear. I had only had one apple and a pomegranate till now.

It was only 12.30 in the afternoon, when my phone rang. What! Why would time go this slow?! “Hello...” I said in a worn out voice.

“Hey...listen. I’m making batter for cake. And you know...there is no lumps...I wouldn’t call it lumps, but you know...tiny tiny granules are there...what should I do? I mean...I don’t wanna get my hands in it” That was my close friend. 

“Hmph...do you have any broad ladles at home? Break those granules with the back of that ladle. Make sure its broad enough”

“Oh! Okay!” she hung up the phone. And vibered me a snap of a soft, foamy cake the next 30thminute. Tip #4: Do not have conversations with foodie friends in such trying times. Now my stomach felt as if the walls of it were glued together leaving a vacuum in place of where I once had a stomach. I could prominently feel a sting too. I told myself ‘It’s all in your mind. First day is the hardest. You can do it. You have had food all your life. It’s only a day. Tomorrow will be easy.Vegetables, Salads and soup!’ Just that the voice had lost the soda bottle enthusiasm(Okay! Untimely expression!). 

I wanted the day to end and slept off and woke up at 4 in the evening. “You want anything to eat?” That was mom. “Nooooo...”I was close to crying. Sleepily, I made green tea, munched half an apple but I was ravenous enough to eat a horse. I couldn’t eat oranges anymore. God! The citricacid. My stomach was rumbling and against the grinding noise, I could see the whole foodless week ahead me, which involved no baking cakes, trying new recipes, munching while watching movies (yeah...you should see my face now)
Screw dieting. I announced, “Mom...I’m eating!” There was this big smile on her face when she said;” I’ll fix you a plate.”

I went after her asking, “Can we try making badusha today?”